I saw a video of a young woman at her father’s funeral, bad-mouthing him (for lack of a better word) for being a Trump-supporter, racist, and for being a “cis straight white man.” That last one being things the man could absolutely not control, but still, she was VERY angry about that too!

But wait, I’m not going to disparage her. This post isn’t about her. And anyway, I get where she’s coming from. I was there too, for many years of my life. Okay, so my stepfather wasn’t a Trump-supporter (I’m speaking of the 1990’s here) or whatever else she said, but I was very angry at him. Just as angry as this young woman was at her own father.

I was angry for things he could control AND for things he could not control.

And now I’m ashamed to say that I often fantasized about doing something similar: airing out ALL the dirty laundry at the funeral! Telling everybody how I felt, and telling it like it is! I dreamt of opening my mouth and heart and spewing out all the venom I felt that he had stored inside of me. I blamed him for many bad things that happened to me. At one point, I even hated the man that was my stepfather.

The Gift I Simply Received

Fast forward nineteen years later. That’s when I received Jesus Christ into my life. And I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, or how, but God gifted me the ability to forgive. I wish I had a wonderful story, an Aha! moment to tell you about, a specific thing… but I really don’t.

What happened is this:

I read the Bible.

I received Christ.

And I just…

…let it go.

That’s it.

I forgave him, I forgave every negative thing that happened.

I was no longer angry, fuming, feeling like I was “full of venom.” The fantasies of getting even, yelling, “telling it like it is” simply went away. They suddenly seemed childish and quite petty. Thank goodness I never had a chance to live them out! I would be mortified.

Thank You, Clarity

Not only did I forgive, but I saw MY PART in undoing our entire relationship. Oh, and I saw it clearly.

I was so ashamed of myself when I saw the past with new eyes. I wasn’t an innocent bystander like I had convinced myself my entire life. I said bad words too. I misbehaved. I was shitty and awful sometimes, and I tested the limits of my stepfather’s patience at other times. Wrongful actions and reactions came from both sides, not just one.

Why I Say It’s a Gift From God

So, here’s my reason for saying this was a gift from God. I wanted to forgive for many years. I just wasn’t able to. I mean, you can fake an emotion outwardly, but not inwardly. “Fake it ’till I make it” didn’t work for me at all.

Reading countless self-help books didn’t work, either. And I read them all! Books with titles like: Toxic Parents, Healing Family Rifts, Running on Empty…

None of those books helped. The only book that changed everything I felt inside was the Bible.

I received the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7 NIV).

Forgiveness, simply put, was a gift from God!

---

Thank you for reading about my experience with forgiveness 😌 I’ve forgiven many things since then, both in myself and others, and I don’t hold grudges the way I used to. I do have peace in my heart now 💖

I pray that the young woman in the video forgives herself if/when she matures and realizes what she did.

If you’ve been struggling with forgiveness, give it to God. Tell Jesus. He can help! But beware that forgiveness can come with some unexpected clarity as well! And all of it is GOOD. It’s good to go through that process of clarity, hurt, and repentance.

And for those who aren’t Christian who still read my story, thank you! That’s super open minded and awesome and I’m glad you’re here too 🥰

Take care and God bless!

Yari, the ✿ Lovely Panda Mom ✿